Editor’s Note: No, we do not provide our employees with free shrooms and/or weed. There is also a scoring system here that I contemplated asking Calli what in the world it means, but I think we’re just gonna roll with it.

Most people associate adulting with figuring out your life plans like getting a job or focusing on your health. I am not most people. I see being an adult as a superpower that cracked the code to my alarmingly false childhood assumptions. Some of these may resurface trauma you thought you dealt with, so bear with me.

Quicksand

I have always assumed that if you find yourself in quicksand you’re simply fucked. I’d assume I have movies to blame for this irrational fear.

You can't tell me there wasn’t one point in your life where you fully thought you would be consumed by quicksand and no one would ever find you. I vividly remember looking up how to survive it when I was younger just in case the opportunity presented itself, and I can promise you there's no way I’m going to “sit tight and assess” when my life is flashing before my eyes.

Google reviews say that “before you know it, you’re sinking rapidly, and half of your body is submerged in a cold, wet mud.” This strange man said he would do it again for the thrill and that it was a 7/10 experience. Hmm.

Grand piano falling from the sky

I think I have cartoons to blame for this one. I feel like a piano is an asset in a fight. Some people have dogs that can attack or a weapon to harm you, but what if you just had a piano that would fall from the sky head first on your enemies? That’s it, you win. Simple as that. 10/10.

Monster Trucks

As a youngin, I fully believed that there would be multiple Monster Truck battles that I frequent. However, as I grew up, I quickly realized that would not be the case. I can’t pinpoint a time when Monster Trucks circled my mind except when I’m just sitting in traffic imagining myself obliterating the cars in front of me. I’m just as confused as you are, but I think they still deserve a 9/10.

The Bermuda Triangle

What in the hell is the Bermuda Triangle? I feel like I’m not the only one that contemplated what would happen if I somehow ended up here, but I don’t know who to blame for instilling this fear in me. I simply refuse to believe multiple ships and planes have just disappeared into the Bermuda Triangle. And, in case you wanted to know, it’s also called the Devil’s Triangle which is fitting for an invisible portal to the upside down. I guess the only thing going for it is that it has a 5-star review on Google for some reason. Go off.

Drug Dealers

Was anyone else under the impression that if you wanted to purchase some form of illegal substance that you would get literally murked? I thought that people would have to drive off into the worst part of town to meetup with some dude who has been convicted of murder, got out of jail and resorted to drug dealing. But it’s really just some guy named Kevin sitting on his couch playing Fortnite waiting for his toaster strudel to cook… I’m obviously just going off hearsay. I'll give Kevin an 8/10.

Doesn’t this dude scream “do not fuck with”

Kangaroos

I’m not too sure what made me think that Kangaroo’s would be way more prevalent in my everyday life, and I have a lot of questions. Why are they so swole? What made me think I would encounter them on the regular? Discovery channel? I’m pretty sure it was Bear Grylls who made me think it was common to have a standoff with a buff-ass Kangaroo. I’ve always been scared of fighting one because they’ll just punt you into next week if you try to post up. Apparently they have “deadly biological tools in the form of its claws that can easily kill humans.” Nice. I will personally rank this one a 0/10.

Sidenote: I couldn’t resist looking into what Bear Grylls is up to nowadays. Apparently he runs a survival academy that “he’s super passionate about.” Good for him. He’s probably teaching everyone how to survive a kangaroo attack.

Clowns

I just want to talk to whoever had the idea of marketing clowns as “kid friendly” because, to this day, they are genuinely terrifying. Remember when psychopaths were dressing up as clowns and just casually walking around traumatizing kids with knives? That was a sick joke. But when I look back on it now, it was probably just Kevin seeking new clients. 2/10.

Sharks

I might be watching way too much shark week, but I know I’m not the only one who thought I would encounter sharks way more than I have. I would avoid the water when I was younger because I was afraid of a landshark. I found out 13 years later that landsharks do not exist and that I completely made it up, but I remember trembling in my bones thinking about how a shark would get up on the land and take me away. Landsharks definitely hangout in the Bermuda Triangle, so I will keep avoiding them at all costs. Thank you. 1/10.

The Sun Exploding

I remember reading about the planets in middle school and having a legitimate fear that the sun would explode and consume the solar system. I later found out that it’s absolutely going to happen, just in about 7 billion years. You never know, though. It’s still pretty warm in Austin… Just saying.

Robots

I can’t think about robots too much because I start to spiral about an inevitable takeover. Have you never seen the creepy videos of robots “going rogue” and developing their own feelings? Nope. No thank you. I am perfectly fine doing the dishes on my own. 2/10.

Murderers

Criminal Minds really took a toll on me. I think I’m more concerned about the writers of the show rather than the actual fear of one of their made-up murders coming to snipe me. It’s a little terrifying that someone can come up with such horrific ideas. I never want a dude in a pig mask to pull up on me and cut off my limbs. I reeaallllyyyyy would not like to get murdered. 0/10.

Rather than focusing on school or work, I have chosen to dive into the root of my deepest traumas. Some would consider that “growth” which falls under the category of adulting, so I guess I’m on the right track. You can call me a fool, but if you’re too cool to admit that the Bermuda Triangle lives rent free in your mind, you may have some adulting to do. And, yes, I still turn on my flashlight to scan the room before I go to sleep. 10/10.

Things I Thought I'd Encounter More In My Adult Life