I have a lot of questions.

Some may call them “shower thoughts”, which rings true, but I run through them in my head constantly. Please contact me if you have genuine answers to my questions because I’m going straight off the dome here. Let’s get started.

Why is it so stressful to say goodbye in social settings?

There are so many situational factors that go into the process of physically getting up and leaving a group setting. There’s no way I’m the only one who has a conversation in my head when trying to consciously map out the right time to get up and say bye. Who do I approach first? What if someone else starts talking as soon as I’m getting up? How can I avoid the awkward stance while waiting for someone to acknowledge I’m leaving? The issue is that I start overthinking about if everyone else is going through the same mental processes as I am. By the time I build up the courage to commit to the dip, something strange always happens like walking the same way as someone. There’s nothing more awkward than telling a random stranger bye, and then proceeding to walk the same way as them to your escape hatch. It’s the strange “Oh, you’re walking this way too?” followed by the quiet slow motion walk to the car. It’s impossible to perfectly time the small talk for it to end as soon as you reach home base, so it consists of the most basic questions that slowly dissipate as you inch closer to your car. Even talking about it gives me anxiety.

Why does everyone refuse to wear their retainers?

I get that it’s not the most comfortable accessory, but it only hurts when you choose not to wear them for a while. So, why do we all collectively decide to choose the path of most resistance? I went through the ringer with braces and expanders to get my teeth to the point of no return, but for some reason I would rather go through that again than wear my retainer. It’s easy to put a phone case on your phone, but impossible to put your tooth case on your teeth? And why do we always lose them? I remember going to family dinners right after getting my braces off and having to find a place to store them while I inhale a vat of queso. The issue is that I always opted for folding them in a napkin. Rookie mistake. I can’t even count how many times I’ve accidentally tossed them in the trash. It's time that we all decide to wear our retainers consistently. They are the original form of peer pressure and if you don’t do it, neither will I.

Why does every kid have a God complex?

If your sibling broke their arm you obviously had to “break” yours too for attention purposes. That, I understand. But don’t get me started on casts. They were so cool for some reason, but it was always a popularity contest of who could fill theirs up with the most signatures. It's all fun and games until you see what you look like after 3 months of arm jail. Are weak muscles and an extremely pale forearm worth the attention? I’m not too sure. Also, why did every kid think their siblings' accomplishments were meant for them? Did anyone else feel anxiety sitting at their sister’s graduation because you were sure they would call you up to give a speech? No? Just me? Maybe I just had a God complex and assumed everyone else did so that I could feel better about myself.

What makes a Subaru a Subaru? There’s no way it’s only “love.”

Hear me out. I’ve thought about this one for a while and I’ve come to the conclusion that Mall Couples are what makes a Subaru a Subaru. You know, like MALL couples. I’m sorry if you identify with either of these classifications, by the way.

We all know the cliche mall couples who walk around with their hands in the back pockets of their significant other’s skinny jeans. They seem to always have the Vera Bradley lanyard around their necks and always look slightly clammy for some reason. They also never have bags on them. It’s like they went to the mall for the sole purpose of whipping their Subaru to just walk around. If that isn’t love, I don’t know what is. Mall couples are what makes a Subaru a Subaru, that I know for sure.

Who thought Wii Fit was a good idea? I just want to talk.

Honestly, Wii Fit was the shittiest “game” ever created. I get it’s important to work on yourself and be healthy, but classifying children as “obese” after stepping on a scale is absurd. I still have PTSD from waiting for my “body test” results, anticipating if the bot can detect the box of Oreos I ate prior to stepping on the sale. If you weren’t a child during the wii fit era, let me paint a picture:

You’re in 6th grade, haven’t hit puberty yet, don’t care about your weight but are just starting to dip your toe into middle school bullying age. You come home after school for the same snack you always eat, Oreos and a chip of some sort, and then decide you want to play Wii Fit, obviously, as it was all the rage.Your confidence is high prior to stepping on the scale, but you’re in for a rude awakening. As soon as you hop on, the bot “scans” you for your “body test.” Next thing you know, your confidence goes out the window. Wii fit pushed me into the real world without asking for it.

The lottery

What is it? Why do we do it? How do you win? Why can’t Vegas participate? So many unanswered questions that I’ll leave you to think about.

Editor’s Note: Don’t worry folks, we’ll take care of this one on Monday.

Who owns Lamps Plus? Or any of the Mattress Firms?

Seriously, why does a showroom of lamps exist? And how many people are genuinely sitting on their couch stressing so hard about getting a lamp that they have to go to Lamps Plus? Mattresses are slightly different in the sense that we’ve all been a victim (benefactor?) of going into a Mattress Firm and laying on every bed until we’re bored and leave without talking to anyone. My general consensus is that these types of places are simply not real. There has to be something sketchy going on behind closed doors…

2nd Editor’s Note: Yeah there’s a Mob angle here that we’ll talk about too

Am I the only one who never heard the Queen of England speak? Too soon?

Ok, next one.

Why is everything made for righties when lefties are arguably better?

As a leftie, I have never understood why society has made it so hard to cater to our lifestyle. The desks in school are solely for right handed kids. Spiral notebooks and binders are impossible to write on the right side. Making a poster with markers? Forget about it. It’ll just smear across the entire surface and end up on your hand. Going to dinner? Get ready to be shunned because no one wants to sit next to a leftie. I don’t want to bump arms with you just as much as you don’t want to with me, but it’s somehow my fault. And when you find the one other leftie at the table you’re either forced to sit next to them, even if you hate them, or you’re exiled to the end of the table.

If you made it this far, you’re either extremely bored or you like to think about random things for hours like I do. Next time you’re in the shower, I hope you think of me. No, not like that. I just hope you ponder my shower thoughts. Get your head out of the gutter. If you happen upon a crazy dilemma, reach out and let me know what it was. You can thank me later.

I Need Answers