2022 Thanksgiving Predictions
Every year, I compile a list of predictions for Thanksgiving. This year, I have chosen to make this list public.
I’m going to repeatedly check my phone in case one of my high school friends puts out the feelers knowing the chances of me getting out of the house are quite low.
My Dad will offer me an obscure German beer that I really don’t want, and I’ll oblige.
I’m gonna find the faded red Coleman cooler that we’ve had since the late-nineties and drag it to the middle of the garage and drink a beer by myself. Probably gonna tweet about it.
My son, 7, will discover “deez nuts” jokes and it will be all he says going forward. Everything will be deez nuts. He simply won’t stop. I’ll ask him where he heard that joke. He’ll make me promise that if he tells me, he won’t get in trouble. I’ll agree. So he’ll lean in and whisper, “deez nuts.”
None of my grandparents will show up to dinner, as my grandparents are no longer with us.
I’m going to drive by the old football stadium and tear up thinking of the all the good times I had there. Inside that stadium. In the stands. Watching my larger and more athletic friends play football every Friday night.
I’ll torpedo any hint of political banter by connecting every topic to MK Ultra, an illegal human experimentation program designed and undertaken by the U.S. Central Intelligence Agency, intended to develop procedures and identify drugs that could be used in interrogations to weaken individuals and force confessions through brainwashing and psychological torture, in a smug and condescending manner.
My Sister will pick up a side dish from Eatzi’s (Market And Bakery) in Dallas and attempt to pass it off as homemade. Aha just kidding.
My mother will freak out each time my son gets close to the fireplace because I split my chin open on that fireplace 35 years ago.
I’m gonna eat quite a bit and tell everybody about it.
I will pop over to the Washed Media Shop and peruse our extensive collection of cool and fun gear for the whole family!
We will eat dinner during halftime of the Cowboy game. We’ll pause the game. I’ll actively try to avoid spoilers only to have one of the group texts pop off and hit me with like 20 notifications, and I’ll wonder what could have possibly just happened. Or a phantom ESPN update on my Wife’s phone will ruin everything.
I’ll make an emergency grocery store run for the family and see the biology teacher who sent me home for wearing a Degeneration X “If you can’t beat it, suck it” shirt. He won’t recognize me as it’s been well over two decades, and I’ve aged significantly.
Happy Thanksgiving y’all