So I’m Losing My Chili’s Virginity Tonight

I’ve never had anything against Chili’s. Or fast-casual spots for that matter. It’s purely been circumstance. 

This is what people who don’t live in Saratoga think every restaurant looks like in Saratoga. They may or may not be wrong.

Food options while growing up in Saratoga Springs, NY went one of two ways: local mom & pop cafes and delis or overpriced (yet absolutely phenomenal) Italian/Asian/American spots to take advantage of track season folks in town. 

The gap where fast-casual spots would lie was filled by our neighbors to the south, Clifton Park. We didn’t venture there much on account that it was 30 minutes away and light-years behind Saratoga in terms of anything fun to do. It was also home to the nearest Chili’s. 

We did have the Wilton Mall a few miles from downtown Saratoga (think of the area around you that has the Target, Walmart, Home Depot, JCPenney, etc) which provided some options. After baseball games, we’d hit Applebee’s or Ruby Tuesday. Before hockey games, my dad and the other hockey dads would hit Staples for some reason and miss the 1st period. The TGI Friday’s next to Best Buy was where I had my first chicken wing experience. 

But no Chili’s. 

Went to Natties and got smoked, NBD.

I’ve laughed along at the jokes throughout my life like I knew what people were talking about. The chicken crispers, the bigmouth burgers, the southwestern eggrolls, and even the infamous “stairway to heaven” to the Orlando Airport Chili’s Too. Just desperate to fit in, afraid of my Chili’s secret ostracizing me from group texts and the social hierarchy. With equal parts shame and regret I tell people “haha yeah, man those spicy shrimp tacos hit DIFFERENT” or “dude, obviously their carnitas fajitas are WILDLY underrated in the local Tex-Mex scene” or “no, babe, I was 1000% at Chili’s last night haha you can ask Matt idk why my story says I was at Container Bar it must’ve uploaded from last weekend.” 

That changes tonight. 

Our video guy, Randy, is celebrating his 1-year anniversary at Washed Media. He’s done a great job and so we’re taking him out on the company dime. I chose Bob’s Steak & Chop for mine and he’s going Chili’s. We obliged. His number one choice was Dave & Busters but we’ll probably have to table that one until next year.

I’m excited, I’m nervous, and much like the night I lost my actual virginity, I’m pretty much just going off what I’ve seen on TV and the internet. I’ll leave it up to the readers about how to construct the night - so let me know if this isn’t the move - but here’s how I see it going right now.

Drink Order

We’re starting the night (a Tuesday) with their house marg. They’re $3.99 which will, without a sliver of doubt, bring someone at the table to say “oh, that’s daaaaangerous” like it would make a difference if it were a downtown Austin-esque $9. I’d imagine it’s about as weak as it looks and will continue to order these throughout the night in an all-out attack on my glucose levels.

Starters

This is where it gets interesting. I’m attending with 4 Chili’s veterans. There are rumors Dave even owns dozens of shares of $EAT and “can get us in even if it’s packed.” That being said, I’ll let them handle the apps. We’ll be in prime grazing territory and I’d like to get enough variety under my belt so I’m better prepared for a future Chili’s experience. 

I know there’s talk of the Triple Dipper going high in the draft so if that’s the first overall pick, you won’t get pushback from me. From what I’ve heard in the past, I’d assume we go chicken crispers, SW eggrolls, and awesome blossom petals. I admittedly have zero clue what these petals actually are but they appear fried, like 90% of this menu, so I’m sure I’ll scarf without complaint.

Honorable mentions that I hope also make the table include the white spinach queso (everyone knows I’m a sucker for a good queso blanco) and an additional order of wings (boneless OR bone-in, I’m not gonna lose my shit either way because I’m an adult). 

Entree 

We’re undoubtedly pushing the 4-digit calorie mark by this point so it’s really a wash from here. I’ve had a few big weekends in a row so I’m gonna stay away from the big mouth burgers that are slathered in queso but also cutting out any chance of a salad because Dillon would call me a “little bitchboy” (@WashedMediaHR). 

Initial thoughts push me toward a sandwich, ribs, or pasta. I’ve been on a chicken kick lately so my leader in the clubhouse is the buffalo chicken ranch sandwich here (no tomato). You get the added bonus of fries to cleanse the palate and fast-casual buffalo sauce is undefeated.

Or I could go ribs. I’ve heard the jingle enough to be genuinely curious and as a resident of the BBQ and live music capital of the world, what better way to honor the locals than diving into premium cuts from what I’m sure is an organic farm right around the corner.

The wild card here is the BBQ sauce. I order my wings from BWW “extra wet.” I grab 3 sauce packets (buckets? What do you call the little boats of honey mustard or BBQ you’d get from McDs or Chick Fil A?) from any place I eat a chicken tender and most importantly, slather any barbecue I order in a gallon of sauce. The problem being the wrong sauce flavor can throw off the entire plate. Too sweet or vinegary and I’m out.

Lastly, there’s the chicken cajun pasta that’s catching my eye. I’m well aware this would sit in my stomach for no less than 4 days but there’s something about it. It could be that flirty texas toast on the side or the way the chicken is dusted in parm and spices or even the fact that penne is a top 3 pasta species. One of those dishes I can’t really put my finger on but would love to put a fork in.

Dessert

Absolutely not. Although the skillet chocolate chip cookie could be in trouble if the night gets out of hand.

Final Verdict 

Look, a lot of this is gonna depend on the appetizer situation. If I’m cruising through chicken wings/crispers I think the ribs win out when push comes to shove. If I’m able to control myself enough to just get a tease of the buffalo situation, then I think I’m looking at the sandwich. There’s talk of mixing it up at a rooftop bar downtown afterward as well - so keep the ability to function and/or stand up in mind when critiquing my order thoughts here.

Did I miss anything? Is there a secret menu item that one of you will recommend that’s not actually real and I’ll ask the waiter/waitress for it like a moron? 

I’ll keep you guys posted. Feels like Christmas morning.