Mail-In: Bad Kissing & Alcoholism

I’m not sure what to call this thing yet. Do I stick with Mail-In or give the editorial version a slight rebrand to differentiate? Mailbag? Something else? Give me suggestions. 

Either way, welcome to the first edition of the Mail-In editorial, wherein I will answer questions from all of you that Brett and guest(s) did not get to on the podcast. We are usually sitting on a surplus of unanswered questions, so this will allow us to cover more topics and have more fun. I hope you enjoy. 

The Mail-In podcast will always get first dibs on questions so please continue sending them in here.

Questions appear just as they were submitted. 

Recently, I reconnected with a girl from my past. We've been going on dates and hanging out and its going really well, we have shared interests and similar outlooks on life. The thing is though, she talks A LOT. About anything and everything, and most conversations are basically one sided after about 20 minutes. We've never had a phone conversation last less than an hour and I know if we're talking on the phone I have to be the one to end the conversation because she never will. To clarify, its really only like this on the phone, in person things are much better. Even if she mentions a story that I've already heard several times she'll tell it to me again. I like this girl, but it is starting to become frustrating getting trapped on the phone when I have other things to do but am trying to be polite. I know she likes me (shouts to me) which is why she always wants to talk for so long, but its getting ridiculous. Any advice would be appreciated, thanks in advance.

I’m not saying this would be a deal breaker for me, but I would have to really, really, REALLY like someone in order to deal with this on a regular basis. For me, this would actually be a great edition of the “She’s a perfect 10, BUT....” game we sometimes play on Circling Back. Full disclosure, though: I am not a phone call guy. I just don’t like it. It’s the pressure of forced conversation for me. Dead air makes me uncomfortable. Two seconds of silence and I start to panic.

If she’s perfect in every way except that she keeps me on the phone for an hour plus on a regular basis, yeah I’d stay with her. It would be soul-crushing at times, but I’d stick it out. 

My advice? Tell her how difficult it is for you to stay engaged on the phone for that long. Honesty is the best policy here. Let her know it’s not a personal thing and you’re simply not a long phone call person. Let her know that once the pertinent exchanges are out of the way, that’s when you’d like the call to end. She’ll probably understand? 

Hi mail in crew. In the beginning of fall semester I hooked up with a close friend. After that night we decided to just be friends with Benefits. Fast forward to today we are a month and a half away from graduation. I'm staying down south with my job and she’s going up north to get her phd. We are still technically not dating but there is really not a day that we are not together. We have also had talks about how scared we are about leaving each other. We both have had horrible experiences with long distance and do not want to do that for the next 5 years. What should I do here I really am at a crossroad. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I have some news for you: You two are dating. You spend time together every day, you said. You don’t want to leave each other. My guess is neither of you is hooking up with or even talking to anyone else and you’d be upset with the other one if they crossed that line. You’re a couple, label or not. 

Don’t discuss this subject with each other under the falsity of being friends with bennies. Because you’re not. Be honest with yourselves. You care about each other and want to spend time together. Make any decisions with this truth at the forefront. 

I’m not saying you’re destined to maintain a long distance relationship (they’re not easy, as you already know), but I am saying that if you two decide to go separate ways after she moves away, you’re losing someone you care about. Stay mindful of that and good luck. 

I need some help. I’ve started casually dating this girl, and she’s fantastic. I want to continue to see her, but there’s one problem. To be blunt, she’s a bad kisser. This isn’t necessarily a deal breaker, but it tends to take me out of the moment a little.

Now if you need some context, we’ve gone on 4 dates and are planning on more. We are both in our mid 20’s and open to this becoming a more serious relationship.

Do I say something? Do I suck it up and embrace it? I need your help.

Isn’t it weird how there are bad kissers out in the wild? As someone in their mid 20s, after all your assumed kissing experience, how did you get to this point? Have you only ever kissed other bad kissers? How have you not corrected this? Has no one shot you straight? It’s strange to me. 

I think it’s possible to slowly condition (train?) your kissing partner to change their ways without them even realizing you’re doing it. You can slowly and intermittently introduce your own, better technique to the mix and let her react to it. She’ll consciously adapt at first, then, over time, it will start to become second nature to her. Instead of being your way of kissing, it will become both of yours, collectively. 

And if that doesn’t work, tell her she’s bad. She’ll need to hear it.

Is it possible to be friends with an Ex? Recently ended a casual thing with a gal i consider a close friend. Is it possible to continue a friendship of some sort in the future? I feel like it would be possible until one of us started dating someone else and the it would explode.

I am friends with the majority of my exes, so yes, it’s absolutely possible. I’ve always thought if you care enough about someone at some point in your lives to exclusively commit to them, why should you immediately stop caring for them upon breaking up? Of course we’re assuming no one was egregiously wronged in the process. In that case, don’t be friends. But if things end respectfully, why not be friends afterward? 

It will, of course, be difficult to keep up with them once they find a new significant other, so you likely won’t be getting lunches off or having regular texting conversations at that point, but you can stay friends even after they find someone else. Friends who slowly lose touch over time, but friends nonetheless.  

Hey y'all. How do you help a friend who is going through drinking problems? A little bit of background, one of my best friends from college has run into some pretty severe drinking problems. Our friend group was very into heavy drinking for most of college and got to the point that we were all probably alcoholics. Once we graduated, most of us calmed down, got married and now have young kids, but he has been perpetually single. Then comes COVID. He's got a very good, high stress job and has been working from his condo for the last year. None of us are closer than a 3 hour drive to him and he has been very lonely during the pandemic. Last weekend he texted us that he was in the hospital because he had drunk himself to the point of delirium and called 911. He blew a .32 BAC when he got to the hospital, so there is a good chance he was closing in on .40 BAC when he called 911. For context, .40 is the level at which you can slip into a coma and die. He's taken the appropriate step of seeking help and trying to stop drinking, but the problem is that he doesn't have any friends around him. What are your thoughts on how we can help him stay on the wagon from a distance? Thanks!

There are professionals much better equipped to answer this question, but I’ll give it a shot. 

I think it’s significant that he texted you all about it. Not only is he obviously able to acknowledge he has a problem, but he wants your help, as well. It shows how serious he is about getting to a better place. Don’t feel burdened that he chose you to be made aware of his situation; feel honored and embrace it. How cool is it that you get to help someone better their life? Pretty sick if you ask me. 

I think there are a couple things you can do to help here. 

Regular communication will be very important. Check in on him about his drinking but also mix in regular conversation about general life stuff so he knows you care and the friendship is authentic. 

Secondly, help him replace this unhealthy habit with a healthy one. Golf, exercise, reading, bowling -- anything to keep him going and keep him fulfilled. Since you don’t live close to him, this won’t be easy, but there are ways to encourage him to stay active in environments where alcohol isn’t necessary. 

Keep the questions coming. The more I have to choose from, the better these will get.