Welcome adventurer to the mystical realm of Washed Media! For as long as you can remember you’ve felt a longing for something more. What is that “more” exactly? It truly hard to say. But you finally took the leap and answered the call to adventure. So you packed your Away® sack and said goodbye to your family (shout out to them.) You now find yourself inside a cozy inn named “The Lodge.” You’re drinking exactly one (1) ale and listening to a bard sing about a well renowned sea-side tavern. Maybe here you’ll find some like minded individuals seeking that same thirst of excitement. And maybe, just maybe, that hooded figure in the corner has a quest for you and your new companions!

If you’re reading this you are probably very familiar with Dungeons & Dragons (D&D), are aware of it but have never dipped your toe into playing, or wondering “what is this nerd shit on my timeline?” Either way, welcome!

D&D is something I’ve dabbled in and enjoyed since the summer before senior year of college. For me it’s an easy way to get a group of friends together and bullshit with a purpose. Some people take the rules and gameplay very seriously, and some just like to fart around. My hometown friends and I fall into the latter. It is incredibly nerdy, but also extremely fun. And it’s a great way to stay in touch.

This column will try to answer a question that popped into my head one day. That question was, “If Washed Media was thrown into the world of D&D, what would our characters be? Would we have a well rounded team to save the world from the sect who was trying to resurrect the Dark Demon Dragon Lord who would totally sacrifice the princess and plunge the world into darkness and enslave all the living or something like that?”

If you’re very familiar with D&D, I’d just skip ahead to the character breakdowns. The next couple of paragraphs are a brief explanation of what D&D is and how it’s played based on the 5e handbook.

If you’ve never played D&D or have stayed as far away from it as possible, you are probably at least familiar with the Fantasy genre (Lord of the Rings, Game of Thrones, Skyrim, The Witcher, World of Warcraft, etc.)

D&D is a fantasy role-playing game where players create characters to adventure in a world created by the Dungeon Master (DM). The DM is just another person in your group who is running the show. They create the story, the enemies, the dungeons, and the quests. Everything your group of characters encounter is the DM’s doing. With that being said, it isn’t all from scratch. D&D has a base set of rules and mechanics that control the way you play. For the purposes of this column I’ll explain the roles of Race and Class.

Race:

Race in D&D is not how we think of race in the real world. In D&D, race is better described as “species.” Some examples are Human, Elf, and Dwarf. All the races you can choose from are humanoid, but are essentially different species from each other. Within those races, some have Subraces. Subrace is basically how we think of race. For example, High Elves and Woods Elves are both elves, but they come from different regions and cultures.

Class:

Class is defined by the D&D Handbook as “the primary definition of what your character can do. It’s more than a profession; it’s your character’s calling. Class shapes the way you think about the world and interact with it and your relationship with other people and powers in the multiverse.” Basically this is how you want to play the game. Do you want to be up in the fight with a sword, do you want to wield a bow, or maybe you want to cast spells and use magic. Class is where that is determined.

So let’s get started.

BRETT MERRIMAN

Race: High Elf

Class: Ranger

I’m starting with Brett because this is the easiest character layup of all time. His long blonde hair and pale complexion screams High Elf.

Elves are described as “slender and graceful.” I would describe Brett as a slender lad, and I personally have never seen him trip. Also, high elves typically have a more “regal” nature. If going to a steakhouse and getting espresso martinis doesn’t say “regal,” I don’t know what does.

And as far as homeland, in the player’s handbook elves “live in places of ethereal beauty, in the midst of ancient forests or in silvery spires glittering with faerie light, where soft music drifts through the air and gentle fragrances waft on the breeze.”

Yeah, look at these photos and tell me that doesn’t describe Saratoga Springs, NY:

His class is obviously a Ranger. Ranger’s are a class that are lethal from range. They typically sport a bow and pick enemies off one by one, but they can hold their own in close quarters combat. Brett’s athletic prowess is basically hitting things from range. Throwing a baseball, tossing a football, and hitting a golf ball are his things. If I were creating a character based on Brett, I’d probably take some extra skill points in Charisma, so I could shmoosh a shopkeep into selling me some enchanted arrows for a copper each.

WILL DEFRIES

Race: Firbolg

Class: Druid

Just look at that picture of a Firbolg and tell me that’s not Will deFries.

Firbolgs prefer “to spend their days in quiet harmony with the woods” and “love nothing more than a peaceful day spent among the trees of an old forest.” Now I might not consider Will a treehugger, but I believe Will wants nothing more than to live in peace and tranquility in the Scottish countryside.

Druids are mainly magic casters who get their powers from nature. They’re generally a chill peaceful class who love that green. ♫Welcome to Willmon’s♫ Also, they are very proficient in healing magic.

So a quiet and peaceful soul that lives in harmony and helps others heal...yeah, that’s the Sunday Scaries Podcast. Also, you know a Firbolg Druid trims the wicks of his candles to prevent their huts from catching ablaze and starting a forest fire. It would be reckless not to.

DILLON CHEVERERE

Race: Dragonborn

Class: Barbarian

Why Dragonborn? *Shrugs* I just get Dragonborn vibes. They’re an uncommon race and Cheverere is a very uncommon name. Dragonborns are humanoid dragons that are well built and have some type of elemental dragon breath (fire, acid, lightning, etc.) Have you ever heard Dillon sing? It’s like acid to the ears.

The Barbarian class makes sense over any other class. Dillon would be up in the fight sporting the shacket as his only amor. Plus he’s the baseball guy, so a greatsword/club/greataxe would just be a natural swing for him. Smacking and slashing goblins right out of the park!

Also, barbarians can invoke “rage” which gives them a bunch of buffs for getting really angry and amped. I’d like to think that to tap into this power Dillon just gets hangry. I’m just imagining the party getting surrounded by some orcs and Dillon just grunts “CHAMPAGNE!” and that invokes his rage.

DAVE RUFF

Race: Halfling

Class: Rogue

Mischievous and quick, that’s David Ruff. In D&D halflings are pretty much what Hobbits are in The Lord of the Rings. I don’t see Dave as a Frodo or Samwise, but damn if he isn’t Merry and Pippin. Teenage Dave definitely blew stuff up and got into harmless trouble with his equally delinquent friends.

Rouges are the stealthy thieves and assassins of the D&D world. Dave might not be a full on criminal, but he’s always up to something. Usually it’s at Dillon’s expense.

Rouges are clever and know how to use their cunning for their gain. They typically have pretty good Charisma since they need to deceive their targets. I, for one, have never seen Dave make up a totally false story, but I’m sure he’s capable.

Also, picture Halfling Dave escaping the law by skating away on an old fashioned skateboard made of a wooden plank. The guards wouldn’t stand a chance!

RANDY TREMBACKI

Race: Human

Class: Sorcerer

And then there’s me, the magic man! I think the race of Human is obvious considering that “Human” was my name for the first couple months I started working here.

Sorcerers are magic casters that just have magical abilities. They don’t study, they don’t sell their soul to some demon, or pledge themselves to some god. They just do their thing through the natural Charisma they have. Am I gassing myself up here? Of course, but it’s my column so take it or leave it. A magic caster just makes sense since I’m the one making the movie magic and manipulating reality via green screen.

So that’s everybody in the core of Washed Media. We have a marksman, a healer/land navigator, a tank, a stealthy assassin, and a magician. I think that's a well rounded group to take on the darkness this fantasy world faces.

I hope you enjoyed this breakdown and have a new thirst for adventure. Do you think I got these right, or did you think some could change? Comment below, would love to hear what you think.

If people like this I might do another breakdown for the extended Washed universe...already have some ideas.

Breaking Down Washed Media Personalities As D&D Characters