Ranking My Favorite Listener-Submitted Fantasy Football Punishments
I stopped playing traditional fantasy football just before the fall of 2016. My reasons? Well, for one, I absolutely suck at fantasy football. Whether it was my overzealous drafting of any and all Lions players or it was the fact that my only football knowledge comes from Friday Night Lights, it soon became evident that I was wasting $150 every season watching my team start 0-6.
Since then, I’ve done a phenomenal job of staying away. Sure, I dabble in daily fantasy when it comes to golf and footy. And yeah, I’m not opposed to throwing down some big boy stacks on Spieth every Masters and Manchester United when they’re playing Young Boys away. Do these bets always pay off for me? No, but I’d like to think that I’ve done better for myself on that front when you compare my recent winnings to my lifetime fantasy league losses.
Recently, during a Listener Voicemails episode on Patreon, the topic of fantasy football punishments came up. Your 24-hour waffle house stays. Your having to put truck nuts on your car for a month. Your mowing of your friends' lawns. You know, the staples punishments of every fantasy league. But when the topic came up, I implored our listeners to send in their favorite fantasy football punishments.
And these, my friends, are my favorite submissions.
#9. Round-Trip Greyhound Bus Ride To The Nearest Stop
While this is majorly inconvenient and something I most definitely do not want to do, this is ample punishment for finishing last in your league.
The issue I have with this particular punishment, however, is that it lacks the public embarrassment that we all want to revel in. Where’s the entertainment value here? You drop your boy off and then go back to your place and sit on the couch for the rest of the day? I mean, yeah, it’s brutal for him but the greater portion of the league doesn’t exactly get to laugh and point.
#8. Eat 70 Hot dogs In A Week
This solely exists in the eight-slot because this is downright disgusting. Ten hot dogs a day, every single day for a week? Count me out.
Do I think I could do it? Yes. Do I have any desire to do something like this? Absolutely not. Will I willingly participate in something that could possibly end with me being forced to do this? For sure not.
#7. Take The SATs
As someone who never took the SATs (shouts to all my ACT midwesterners out there), I actually don’t know how much this entails. But as someone who took the ACT three times and got the same score each time, I have no desire to actually go sit down and take a standardized test ever again.
The real question here is whether or not the loser scores better than he or she did in high school. If we add a stipulation here that they need to take it until they beat their original score, I think we have a special punishment on our hands.
#6. Make A TikTok Outside Applebee’s While Lip-Syncing and Dancing To Walker Hayes’s Hit Single “Fancy Like”
Okay, now we talkin’ fantasy football punishments.
Obviously, Walker Hayes’s hit single is the song of the fall. Obviously, everyone who follows you on TikTok will know you’re joking. But there’s going to be a moment of humiliation for the loser when they’re decked out in country garb outside of the local Applebee’s and a bunch of cool teens catch wind. The last thing you need is a group of varsity football Sway House lookalikes roasting you before they go in on some Oreo shakes.
#5. Audition For The Lead Role In The Next Community Theater Play
It’s well-known that public speaking is everyone’s number one fear ahead of dying. There’s that joke that everyone makes about how people would rather be in the casket than giving the eulogy, but that's low-hanging fruit that I'll avoid today.
The only feasible way this punishment works is if you can do the following. First, the entire league needs to be able to watch the tryout. Second, you need to get clearance to record said audition.
Does it need to exist on YouTube? No. But does it need to get dropped in the group text when Bryce is 11-0 the next season and he's getting all cocky? Absolutely.
#4. Get Your Ears Pierced for Two Weeks
I have zero tattoos. I have zero piercings. While I'd like to get a tattoo at some point, I have yet to decide on anything cool enough that wouldn't look bizarre on my skinny-fat frame.
What I'd really like to see happen here is the loser having to strut around town for two weeks with double-barrel cubic zirconias stretching their earlobes out.
I can confirm that, yes, I did want gauges when I was in 9th grade but I think forcing someone to get gauges may mean that your fantasy league takes things way too seriously.
#3. Go To Matt’s El Rancho in Full Joker Makeup
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Now we are talking.
Joker makeup will never not be funny to me which means this punishment is right up my alley. Can you imagine trying to hold a conversation over a famous Matt's Knockout Martini while everyone just looks at you like you're a Joker stan? You'd be wiping Bob Armstrong Dip off your face while getting a plethora of white and green makeup all over their trademark napkins.
I don't know which Tex-Mex restaurant is most popular in your area, but this is one to stow away for future seasons.
#2. Do A Stand-Up Routine with Only Jokes Written by The League
Now we're in The Danger Zone.
Some rules, however. No racist jokes. No homophobic jokes. In fact, no racy jokes whatsoever. Instead, the only move is to have the entire league write jokes that fall so flat that it traumatizes the loser into never watching stand-up again.
If you use this punishment, you're legally required to invite all of the loser's closest family and friends. They'll understand (and honestly, it will probably make the jokes land harder than they deserve).
#1. Take Karate Classes Until You Achieve A Yellow Belt
Why do I find this so funny? Can someone explain to me why I'm so into this idea?
Maybe it's the fact that I'm imagining a 35-year-old dude with a beer belly sparring with a bunch of kids. Or perhaps it's because it's simply annoying to have to take enough classes to get whatever's above the white belt. Either way, I'd love to be an innocent bystander watching my friend do remedial karate moves while surrounded by a bunch of children who absolutely do not want that smoke.
Luckily for me, I'll never have to worry about any of these. Instead, I'll simply have to deal with losing $50 on Spieth every April for the next 20 years.