House For Sale: Colorado Springs 5 Bed

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4245 Churchill Ct. Colorado Springs, CO 80906 - $590,000

Ahh the sweet, sweet mountain air of central Colorado. Despite being 6,000ft above sea level and 15 miles from the one of the tallest mountains in the country (and that road that you always see in an Audi commercial), Colorado Springs is absolutely nowhere near skiing. It IS, however, home to the US Air Force Academy and Olympic Training Center, which I googled for the purpose of this article because if you’re 2.5 hours from a chairlift and you live in Colorado, what is you doing? 

Anyway, enter 4245 Churchill. A stately suburban 5 bed/4 bath south of downtown and a stone’s throw front the *checks notes* Cheyenne Mountain Zoo that I’m psyched to check out. Like it’s namesake, 4245 let some green slip through the cracks leading up to their front door. Luckily for Churchill (and the rest of the world), the Germans never managed to mount much of a ground invasion in Britain and neither did these weeds. 

Push past that stretch of a WWII reference and let’s jump in. 

From the street, the completely off-center nature of this house practically punches you in the nose. Zero front-facing windows on the right half of the house but a 2-by-1 garage? Buddy, we’re getting weird and I’m here for it. Throw in the on-site fire hydrant? For $590k? I’m picking up what you’re putting down and so is the black lab down the street. Let’s go inside. 

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Look at that! Contemporary art. I’m struck by the way they mesh the modern vibe of spray paint with the late 90s/early 2000s fake stucco that my friend’s parents loved to feature in their kitchen. Not to mention… is that an authentic Roman- SHIELD anchoring the dining room? 

*enhance* 

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YUP. Sure is. Or the previous owner was fucking heavy with astrology and/or apocalyptic symbols which makes sense given the proximity to the Denver Airport. See you in 20 mins after you return from that rabbit hole. 

Beyond the ancient beauty and energy this shield brings, you can’t discount the built in protection 34 lbs of solid brass provide your family. What a steal. 

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Shield in hand, we continue to advance through the entryway where we find another plus of the home. “Susy Sucks Dick” is thoroughly advertised but it’s unclear who “Susy” is and if that’s a feature included in the purchase. No worries, plenty more to work with. 

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Moving into the living room, I’m struck by how generous the previous owner was to label the house features like it’s a 7th grade spanish test. The eloquently displayed “MORE SHIT FOR” I can only imagine ends in “YOU TO ENJOY” and the wall-to-wall carpet trumpets a simpler time when folks ensured their toes be cushioned no matter how much square footage they used when they played Twister with the neighbors. Man, I miss 2002.

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Kitchen time! #gather. I can only marvel at the Bohemian vibe of purple walls and plants thriving in the mid-afternoon sun. I mean, look at the hardwood floors! You don’t find real wood these days in suburban communities unless you’re the luckiest of the lucky. The ant colony that assuredly lives within the literal branches of the window plant is a touch that you can’t find anywhere else. The chocolate-brown cabinets adorned with “Kiss My Ass” would undoubtedly make Bansky jealous. Can’t say enough about the energy of this 6+ sided, multi-tiered space.

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Heading to the second floor, we see the previous tenant spared no expense, laying down one of the finer rugs I’ve ever seen on what is no doubt a stairway to heaven. More contemporary art on the wall and a disdain for “Susy” gives the house a certain violence and passion that you cannot recreate in the popular new modern-farmhouse models. 

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Finally, a shot of the upstairs guest bathroom. Now I’ll happily be the Grammar Nazi here (that’s two references in one blog. Cash the over) and say the lack of a comma bothers not only me, but literally every single person who tours this estate. If you’re going to pose an ultimatum to someone using the most impossible-to-remove aerosols, please adhere to correct grammar. I’m not here to parent, I’m just here to showcase the most desirable real estate out there. Clean it up. 

At this point, I don’t know about you but I’m ready to pull trig. Nowhere else are you gonna find this kind of value bundled into 3600 square feet at this price. And that’s BEFORE you even stumble upon the VIDEO TOUR. 

Here are those highlights: 

  • Human feces upon entry - perfect to harvest your blossoming herb garden! 

  • Carpets “saturated” with animal urine throughout the house - great practice for the aspiring biologist in the family to identify! 

  • The original lessee is believed to have died - great! No hassle on lease renewal. 

  • The previous tenant stole the stove AND dishwasher - what an opportunity to replace with brand new appliances, immediately upping the property’s value! 

  • *Tragically*, two cats were left locked in the bathroom when the tenant moved out. That was months ago. This isn’t a highlight, it’s just an upcoming expense that you have to plan for because it is NOT pretty.  

So maybe we look past the video tour, right? They’re in the pocket of the landlord, the only profession (outside an EMT) where a 2am “you up?” text gets you the opposite of hard. They just run the worst of it out there so they scare you off purchasing in favor of a better buyer at a better price. I get it. Just in case, let’s check the property notes…

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Love it. It’s like they know me. As an investor, I’m all in. 

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Geologic AND monetary references?! Come on. It’s perfect. 

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Well I uh.. 

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Now hang on. “In the matter that you might hope”. What in the fuck does that mean? I’m picturing the deck at a 45-degree angle a la the Titanic on that fateful day in 1912. The lack of a picture for this is borderline criminal. 

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Rarely do you see a DOUBLE warning for the basement freezer unless you’re tangentially involved with Casey Anthony but it’s the “pink of a geological landslide area” that really does it for me. Like excuse me? I only like a few things in life that are pink and my steak is one of them. But a pink geological landslide area sounds like a “do not fuck with” warning of the highest degree. 

On second thought, maybe we mix in a bulldozer here. Or exorcism. That fridge may need it. 

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