SO YOU WANT TO RIP IT UP A BIT

Your youth intact and performance enhancers distributed, the decision has been made to ditch the pool and try to get involved somewhere on a Thursday. “Setting the tone” has been yelled 4-5 times and one guy wont stop referring to hard seltzers in the sprinter van as “road sodas”. 

It’s 95 with a heat index of 104 but that doesn’t stop the group from hitting the patio of a legendary Tex-Mex spot because you’ve been on a plane for 3.5 hours and are craving decent food and exceptional knockout martinis. “Brett, what’s a knockout martini?”, you ask. It’s jet fuel. Welcome to Matt’s El Rancho. 

Saddle up with a large Bob Armstrong dip and combo chicken& beef fajitas. Mix in knockouts and some Patrón shots for the group (and your waiter) and you’re golden. There are no reservations, so be prepared to keep the van around to finish off a Coors or three in the parking lot. You CAN, however, order drinks at the bar while you wait so that’s always an option too. Perfect opportunity for an airport straggler to show up with their baggage in tow and solicit an over the top “ayyyyy!!” from the group when he rolls up. 

Well lubricated at this point, make your way after dinner down the street to Bouldin Acres and grab a picnic table. You’ll see psychos playing pickleball sweating through every article of clothing on their body among the folks that look like they were on a season of a mid-tier Bravo show a few years ago but you can’t quite put a name to the face. Add in the reasonably priced buckets of beers and dog-friendly environment and you’re in a good spot to meet a group of girls to DM unsuccessfully for the weekend. Just don’t try to park there.

The clock hits 11:29pm and “I’m down for one more” starts getting thrown around. You’re tired of the spots that look like they belong on your little sister’s Instagram feed. Enter Deep Eddy Cabaret. 

Ever wanted to feel like you’re in an episode of Friday Night Lights? Obviously. Deep Eddy is the spot where $12 pitchers of Miller Lite are perfectly married with the smell of dated wood paneling and TVs that still have that VCR slot in the front. The bathroom has messages that make YikYak look like child’s play and a jukebox that would make your grandfather proud. Don’t put your beer down on the pool table. Common courtesy. 

If you feel like you’re seeing everyone walk in the front door with burgers and fries, that’s because the adjacent property, Pool Burger, is satisfying their cravings. Where they lack seating they make up for in tiki drinks and secret sauce. End your first night here making friends with a local and snagging a rope hat that you’ll never wear again. Throw in the towel and nod off on the 12 minute ride back to “Casa Diablo” which a married guy came up with after his second poolside marg a few hours ago. 

Plug the phone in and live to fight another day. We’re on to tomorrow.

++: There are plenty of Tex Mex spots to visit in Austin, and a lot of them have better food than Matt’s. ATX Cocina and La Piscina are your $$$ options. Ranch 616 would be the next tier but arguably the most fun. El Alma, Chuy’s, and Polvos round out your solid budget options. El Arroyo gets credit for their signs but the food doesn’t land. And Lupe Tortilla is the family-friendly chain that doesn’t get a ton of credit but has better queso than any spot on here.