Five Fits I Have No Business Getting Off This Spring
I’m too old to be saying the word “fit.” Between skinny jeans being passé and middle parts being the wave, there’s probably some cool-teen terminology out there that’s rendered the phrase “fit” useless.
But with these vaccines being tossed around and the weather slowly creeping into springtime temperatures, I have to admit something: I’m about ready to start absolutely dressing. And that’s not pronounced like “salad dressing” — that’s pronounced like “druh-essinggggggg.”
For the last 12 months, my personal style has taken a complete dive. I’ve attached myself to the Steve Jobs/Elizabeth Holmes method of wearing mostly black. What started as a way to slim down my pre-Peloton body has now turned into a way of life for me. Unfortunately, I currently live in central Texas where wearing all black in warm temperatures can literally be a death wish. The last thing I need is to pass out from heat exhaustion mid-Vizzy on a pontoon boat because I was dressed like a techie from high school.
The best way for me to find style inspiration these days now that Man Repeller has been retired? Well, look no further than my Instagram discover feed. The sad truth, however, is that I have absolutely zero business trying to dress like everything being served to me.
Let’s dive in.
#1 Martha Stewart’s Hermès Cardigan Jacket
Martha Stewart has been absolutely dripping lately and I can confirm that I’m lapping it all up. Without much explanation behind it, I’ll be the first to admit that Martha’s thirst traps have me feeling a certain way (and that’s a good thing). 79 is the new 29 and Martha Stewart is proving that day-in and day-out.
Her Hermès jacket (as featured above) is not only too expensive for my taste but too hot for the sweltering weather I’m about to encounter. Do I think this look would do numbers if I paired a chunky shawl-neck sweater with a pair of obsidian Lululemon Surge Joggers with a 29” inseam? Uhhhh, h’yeah, but there’s also a significant risk I’d sweat through every article of clothing on my body should the sun decide to come out.
#2 Jude Law’s Business Casual
Uh, okay, Jude, no need to be so dramatic.
Here we have Jude Law from behind the scenes of The Talented Mr. Ripley, a god-tier vibe movie if you’re looking for a good Sunday watch. That is, until Matt Damon beats the piss out of him with a boat paddle and assumes his identity, but I swear it’s a great movie for the first hour or so.
With athleisure seemingly on it’s way out before the pandemic, it became a mainstay even further when we all stopped going to work. Is businesswear about to be the new “it” look? I highly doubt it but that doesn’t stop me from dreaming up scenarios where my tan pairs perfectly with a crisp, white oxford and a haphazard tie that screams “long day at the office.”
Sadly, I just don’t think this is in the cards for me. Khakis are Swamp Ass’s Public Enemy #1 and I’d put big enough pit stains in that shirt that you could probably see them from the moon. Next.
#3 Harry Styles’s Jorts
Admission time: I’m devastatingly late to the Harry Styles game. Dude’s just on one and taking zero prisoners with every outfit he puts on in the morning. And the second those jorts hit his thighs, it was on sight.
Ever since I was a child, I’ve had a love/hate relationship with jeans in general. So much so, in fact, that I think I went an entire decade through my late-teens and early-twenties of literally never wearing a pair of jeans. Whether it’s my oddly-shaped waistline or my affinity for a crisp pair of Dockers, they just aren’t something I keep in the closet.
After seeing Harry Styles take the top off those things, though? Well, they’ve got my mind racing in all the right ways. Paired with a crisp pair of crew socks and some Gucci loafers and we’ve got ourselves a full-blown mood.
“But what’s holding you back from replicating this with some old J. Crew denim and a pair of your dad’s Cole Haans?” you may be wondering. Well, the answer’s pretty simple: dad legs. My legs look like hairy paper towel tubes that lack any actual shape or physique. It’s a sad state of affairs but one that I’m willing to admit to the world without hesitation.
#4 Liam Gallagher’s Mid-90s Soccer Kit
Mid-90s throwback? Yes, please. Kangol bucket hat for the boys? Uh-huh. Cigs? Sooooo nectar.
If we’re being honest here, Liam Gallagher’s outfit from 25 years ago (holy fuck that’s a long time ago) is actually timeless and right up my alley. Pair that with the fact that I’m about to become a dad who forces his child to only wear bucket hats and we’ve got ourselves a mega-cute scene.
However, my hesitation here is fairly simple — I think Liam Gallagher would beat the absolute piss out of me if he ever caught me jocking his swag. Add in the fact that we both support rival football clubs and we’ve got ourselves a situation that could get downright mental. I’m talking a Guinness glass to the head as he leaves the pisser while “Morning Glory” plays from the jukebox.
You may be able to catch me tipping back pints with a bucket hat on this summer but that’s where the similarities will end.
#5 This Random Person’s Grandpa
Uhhhhhh, can we get a vibe check on aisle seven, please? Because this dude’s about to be on a safari and he doesn’t care who’s with him.
When I was in fifth grade, my parents entertained doing an African safari for spring break. Nevermind the fact that my dad must’ve been having a hell of a year in the office, but the trip fell through and we ended up going to London instead. At the time, I was completely devastated but not for the reasons you’d think. If I’m being truthful, I didn’t really care about seeing any animals from Lion King or learning about new cultures. I was 10 years old and desperate to get on the same sartorial level as Nigel Thornberry, something that this random person’s grandpa has done tenfold.
Monochromatic is something I’m well-versed in (that whole Steve Jobs thing) but I simply don’t have the swagger to pull off all-khaki. I’d skew more Canadian-park-ranger than dude-with-safari-money. What a sad state of affairs.
Looks like I’m sticking with black joggers and solid tees until something comes across my discover feed worth mocking. Until then, I’ll be the guy crossing the street to avoid direct run-ins with cool teens dressed in JNCOs.