No worries. I’ll be the one to do this since no one else would dare.

A thorough dissertation on the resulting scenarios of the implementation of different Ukrainian aid packages? Not today. A critical lens on the symbolism of Oppenheimer in a 21st century Cold War? Would love to, but I need to see the movie in IMAX first. Maybe an essay on the steps necessary to fix the sport of college football in an ever-changing world regarding the financial beneficiaries of toting the pigskin on Saturdays? Already did.

Nay, this is more important. An idea ping-ponging around in my head every time I stride down a certain aisle at HEB. Becoming the proprietor of an Asian restaurant named Pho Real? Yes. Obviously. Keeps me up at night.

But that’s not what I mean. Not this time.

What follows is a painstakingly constructed roster - much like a little league dad drafting a squad with his buddies (other coaches) in Dave’s garage with a few tallboys to keep them warm. With very little to go off in the form of past performances and talent given the fact they’re 7, you turn to factors like who has a pool and attractiveness of their mom (or dad - not here to judge).

I set out to build a team that would compete with anyone, anywhere. I think I’ve done just that. We’re going 11 personnel because this is a group built for today’s game. You can nitpick the 4-3 defense all you want - I prefer a 3-3-5 myself but we’ll keep it classic for simplicity’s sake.

Alas, the starting lineup for an American Football team made up of breakfast cereal mascots:

OFFENSE

Wide Receivers

X: Trix Rabbit (South Dakota State)

His name translates to “magic bunnies”. I can’t think of a better guy to set the tone on the outside or get up over a DB on a red zone fade. Catch Rabbit on Sunday’s “You Got Moss’d” segment on an alarmingly consistent basis. The hops are obvious but what they don’t talk about enough in film rooms everywhere is the speed. Trix Rabbit has been stealing cereal from children for years - you need to be able to get away quickly no matter the hijinks used by the kids to retrieve their sugary goodness. I don’t need a marathon runner and I don’t care that he doesn’t get away. I boil that down to a disguise issue more than anything. I care about the first 10 yards and that’s where Trix Rabbit does most of his damage.

Z: Cinna-Mon (Jamaica)

A rangy, lengthy guy who is a weapon in any contested catch situation. You can’t teach height and he’s one of the most natural route runners out there. An extremely raw talent out of the international ranks, Cinna-Mon is getting the nod on potential alone. Am I worried about a few drug-related offenses in his time in the league? Sure. Is the guy he constantly hangs out with off the field a bad apple? Absolutely. But I kind of want a little prima donna and headache in my top WR targets.

Slot: Lucky The Leprechaun (Notre Dame)

Danny Amendola, Wes Welker, Julian Edelman, Lucky The Leprechaun. Add him to the list as one of the most prolific coverage shakers at his position. Much like those listed before him, he requires absolutely no seasoning to his game to make plays. Where he lacks in size and stature, he makes up for in that he’s somehow able to conduct magic on the field. Like not route running magic, actual sorcery. Good luck trying to cover Lucky man-on-man when he’s hitting you with stars and hearts and balloons and a devastating option route fake before leaving you in fucking rainbow dust. No thanks.

TE: DigEm Frog (TCU)

In the modern game, the TE has to be an extension of your passing attack and that’s what we have here. If you want to run the ball down the other team’s throat, this may not be your guy. I trust our line (as you’ll see in a bit) but I’m not sacrificing downfield options for a few extra yards per carry. That’s just the GM I am. Enter Dig Em Frog, a PROBLEM in the red zone. We have him touch every ball before the game starts because his hands are so sticky. Catch radius? Unmatched. Not only can he leap but he also has a tongue that extends out 8 times the length of his body to catch errant passes and dinner alike. Could he play receiver? Probably. Speed is the main concern there and I need him rested to put up Gronk-like numbers at the goal line.

Backfield

RB: Sugar Bear (UCLA)

Look at this motherfucker. The dude exudes style and charisma from his pores at every turn. I mean who wears a turtleneck sweater on TOP of a fur coat while playing a game? A guy who’s gonna carry the rock 21 times for 144 and 2 TDs and then take your girl home, that’s who. I’m a little concerned about him Antonio Brown-ing an unsuspecting safety but I lean towards taking the 15 yard penalty because of intimidation alone. Not a shifty side-to-side guy but get him going north-south and look out.

(Yes I’m concerned about the weed here as well. Those eyes tell a story and you can’t keep Sugar Bear out of the clubs)

QB: Chip Wolf (Nevada)

Wolves are natural-born leaders, at home surviving on their own or as a member of the pack. Chip brings everything to the table you want in a QB - high IQ, athleticism, and a certain gunslinger mentality and risk taking attitude that more often than not results in a big play. Arm strength is a question but we’ll lean on his dual threat traits. Do we have to do everything in our power to make sure Chip doesn’t encounter a cookie during the 3rd quarter or see one in the stands? Absolutely. That will literally send him into an uncontrollable frenzy, derailing the entire game plan and rendering him completely incapable of managing the offense. But that’s a risk I’m willing to take.

Offensive Line

LT: Tony The Tiger (LSU)

You’re looking for generational talent at this spot who’s more than good - arguably great. Plug & play for a decade. That’s Tony. His body time screams 90s Nebraska OL. Huge frame, long arms, massive upper body, apex predator instincts given the fact that he’s a tiger, and a multi-sport athletic background. He’s a superstar and he knows it. Slight lower body concerns here but the fact that he repped bench 39 times at the combine more than makes up for it. Holding penalties are also a concern given his extremely sharp claws but you really can’t get on him too hard for that.

There are a few iterations of Tony throughout the years but I’m talking about the one depicted above. You want the discourse around Tony to be obsessed with whether or not he’s juicing. That means people aren’t getting to your QB. Yeah, he refuses to take the red bandana off during games which gives me a little hesitation on the potential for gang affiliation but I’m willing to look past that if my QB isn’t touched for weeks at a time.

LG: Fred Flintstone (Bedrock State)

Have you seen Flintstone’s footwork? Arguably the best in the class. Guy literally powers a car filled with his entire family using only his feet. If you can do that, you can drive back a 3-tech defensive lineman with ease. Blue collar mentality, thick frame, dad strength, a pet dinosaur, and a crack bowler which for some reason seems to be a trait that many elite offensive linemen share? I’m willing to bet on it. Flintstone will bring his hard hat to work every day because in his day job he actually drives a dinosaur crane. Pure athleticism is a question and he’s got a bit of a temper but I don’t mind that on the line. May also gamble profusely on each game - we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

C: Barney Rubble (Bedrock State)

Best friends and neighbors with Fred on Granite Ave, neighbors on the line. Who am I to mess with that chemistry? Low center of gravity, cerebral, blue collar mentality. Stout frame and questionable athleticism as well but must have some sort of charisma to be married to a certified smoke in Betty and keep a saber tooth tiger as a pet. Also might not have eyes which could be an issue.

RG: Franken Berry (University of Ingolstadt Medical School)

Road grader is the first thing that comes to mind with Berry. Performs his best in October, too. Intelligence may not be trait #1 but I’ll take the strength and pain tolerance of a reanimated monster with a massive head any day of the week. Tell me that dude doesn’t look like he’s a first team all-SEC guard with a few polarizing retweets in his past. You can’t. Also doesn’t have a girlfriend so very little concern with off-field distractions.

RT: Yogi Bear (Jellystone Park CC)

An older athlete but a must-include given the fact that he’s a bear and plays with great pad level and a wide base. He’s a consummate professional with an insatiable appetite for picnics. No problem keeping weight on. Biggest issue I foresee is that this guy is an absolute hound for endorsement deals. He’s got a number of shows, products, and movies to appear in that take his focus off the field - a true Shaq of his time.

Not to be confused with the equally capable, large-statured, and (for some reason) shirtless bear, Smokey. I’m sure there’s a perfectly acceptable reason he refuses protective clothing in a high-danger environment but alas, don’t ask, don’t tell. Honestly I’d take Smokey at RT over Yogi but this column is strictly cereal mascots and I’m not one for rule breaking.

To recap:

Push through this janky photoshop - the other ones are better

DEFENSE

Defensive Line

Defensive End: Fruit Brute (NC State)

You want a monster at this position and that’s what you’re gonna get in Fruit Brute. There’s some discussion to be had regarding whether Brute is purely a wolf or has some supernatural werewolf to him - discourse unnecessary in my opinion. FB is gonna get after the QB with a dominant mix of size, strength, and speed all while wearing rainbow overalls and there’s something beautiful and eccentric about that. A bit of a wild card that likes to rock non-traditional outfits and seems to only want to play when there’s a full moon - a Von Miller type that may disappear for a few plays at a time but when he’s on, watch out.

Defensive End: Bigg Mixx (Utica College)

Two-pronged approach here. Have you ever seen a moose in the wild? It’s a jarring experience. They’re prehistoric - towering over everything around them and especially my mom’s Ford Edge on I-87 north of Schroon Lake. No impact with the car thank God, but certainly one in the mind of young Brett.

So obviously they’re fucking huge, sure, and Bigg Mixx is no different. But what really gets me going as a red-blooded American male and armchair GM is the rack. You cannot compete with the size of those things. Having massive antlers causing headaches for any QB by effectively eliminating any chance of them throwing the ball to one side of the field is a huge advantage. A bit high cut for traditional scouts, but has plenty of speed and explosiveness in the case that 3rd down requires a bit more of a pass rush mentality.

Defensive Tackle: Chocos (Baylor)

The strength of this defense is clearly the trenches and my two D Linemen are no different. Admittedly, I’d never heard of “Chocos” before and it appears it’s because the cereal is massively popular in India - a land in which I’ve never had the chance to visit. Much too close in design to the more popular Cocoa Puffs to gain a footing in the states and that’s ok - the mascot still qualifies for the roster and boy am I glad.

Look at this unit. I’m choosing to give him the singular name “Chocos” like he’s a Brazilian soccer player worthy of such an honor, dropping the traditional proname/surname combination in light of remarkable talent. Chocos doesn’t say much but eats up double teams like they’re cereal for breakfast, giving his teammates a much better chance of making a play in the hole. Extremely wide base, long arms, and borderline impossible to move. Only concern here is the fact that he wants to sleep for half of football season but I’m guessing we can find ways around that.

Defensive Tackle: Crunchosaurus Rex (University of Calgary)

Any chance you have the opportunity to add an actual dinosaur to the lineup, you make it happen. Miraculously avoiding certain death 66 million years ago has landed Rex square in the middle of our defensive line with his gigantic jaws and powerful tail. Intelligence is a question here but I want my defensive unit to be mostly reaction-based guys who play fast without thinking too much. Leave that for a select few. Not sure you’ll find a more physical player out there. Big frame, strength is no question, and really only worried about a possible tripping penalty given that hammer of a tail - I’ll talk to the refs pregame, not a lot he can do about it.

Linebackers

Sam: Snap Krispie (Rice)

I’m nervous about this linebacking corps. The chemistry is unmatched, I’m just not sure we have the personnel here to compete at the highest level. Ideally there are a few guys that play both ways, but integrity keeps me from exploiting that loophole. We’ll get on the field with what we’ve got.

That being said, I’m not sure there’s a scrappier bunch than the Krispie brothers. What they lack in size they make up for in heart. Limited speed? Doesn’t matter - they know where each other will be at all times. Trust in the strengths of this defense on the line and in the secondary and make the plays you’re supposed to. No more, no less. Snap is the oldest of the trio - often the best at solving problems. “Hey Brett, make him the Mike. Wouldn’t that make more sense given their responsibilities on the field and in the huddle?”

Uh yeah, maybe to the uninformed or untrained eye. It’s not crackle, snap, pop. It’s snap, crackle, pop - you think I’d dare mess with that kind of mojo?

Mike: Crackle Krispie (Rice)

You want your MLB to be a little crazy. Crackle is that in spades - the middle child, the blonde of the group, also the only one wearing a beanie. This guy puts the “elves” in “elevating the players around him”. Crackle Krispie isn’t as much of a natural athlete as his older brother, nor as purely talented as Pop but plays with a cerebral quality that makes him perfect for this position. Great communicator, leader on and off the field. Locker room guy that will let that wild card attitude out from time to time - makes players respect him even more.

Will: Pop Krispie (Rice)

Where do you think he got the name, Pop? His actual name is John. John Krispie. That changed in 8th grade when he was very clearly spearing kids with his shitty tackling form and popping helmets off of guys like Dave in practice who had no shot of seeing the field on Friday nights. The youngest and most mischievous of the bunch, Pop has his act together most of the time and oozes talent. The Krispies are basically the Watt brothers without the problematic tweets.

Secondary

Corner: Buzz Bee (Georgia Tech)

Excellent in coverage, obviously. Putting a bee at corner is one of the more no-brainer decisions I was faced with in building this roster. I’m not sure it’s even possible to get open on Buzz - you’re just gonna have to beat him on contested balls, a risk I’m acutely aware of given his lack of size. Quickness is a strength, as is the potential to take opponents out of the game in the case of a bee allergy. Errant throws from QBs also in danger given that he can fly. Unclear, however, if he is gonna wield his honey dipper in-game. I’d lean no as it’s probably a clear rules violation but will check with the powers that be to make sure.

Corner: Toucan Sam (Arizona State)

Another nickname here, Sam actually got the moniker because of how many cans he’d have in his hands in college. “Hey man, look, there goes Toucan double fisting again at Toca Madera”. Absolutely. That’s Toucan.

Similarly capable of flight, I’m pretty confident in his talents in the secondary. He gives up some speed to a guy like Buzz but his absolutely massive beak (which he was also known for in college) makes up for it in breaking up passes. He’s a bit of a celebrity off the field so keeping the ego in check is paramount here. Also, I bet you forgot it’s actually spelled “Froot Loops” on the box. Mandela effect.

Free Safety: Boo Berry (Kaukauna High School)

Here’s a guy who can appear out of nowhere to intercept passes given that he’s a ghost and theoretically can disappear on command. Imagine you’re a QB who reads the defense perfectly, delivers a ball accurately and on time, and then BOOM, sorry guy, Boo Berry pops up out of the clouds in the lane and picks you off. You’re gonna need Zak Bagans on your sideline to have any chance of getting deep balls consistently completed. The only potential issue that needs to be broached is the questionable structural integrity of Berry. Like I’m not sure he can tackle anyone or pick off a pass being made of ectoplasm and spiritual energy but at worst we can distract opposing wideouts with the paranormal.

Strong Safety/Nickel: Sonny Cuckoo (UTSA)

Sonny is a read and react guy with fantastic speed. He goes cuckoo mode and it’s game over for anyone in the hole. We’re actually lucky a football looks like a large cocoa puff because once Sonny sees the ball he’s a straight downhill player. He may be even better in coverage - you yell “ball” when it’s thrown and this guy will stop at nothing to make sure that brown puff comes down in his hands. He’s literally cuckoo for them. The only issue I foresee here is when guys in the locker room start asking where he got his last name.

Given that our secondary is entirely made of creatures of flight, there’s no doubt that the unit represents a massive strength of the team.

SPECIAL TEAMS

Kicker/Punter: Kix Kid

Pretty self explanatory here. Don’t overthink this one.

STAFF

Head Coach: Chef Wendell

Guy mixes things up for a living and has coached the #1 cereal of all time since 1984. He retired in 2009 but I’m fully ready to tap our reserves to bring him back into the fold. A generational team deserves a generational coach.

Offensive Coordinator: Count Chocula

Ahhh finally, a few characters I know y’all have been waiting for. I want my OC to have a low key creepy, potentially murderous vibe and Coach Chocula does just that. He’s quiet and humble until he gets around a vulnerable defense and then lights up. He’ll run the ball down your throat, sucking the life out of the clock. Runs a variant of the run-and-shoot offense made possible by guys like Coach Leach (RIP). Reminds me of a guy like Kliff Kingsbury - humble, silent, deadly. Quick aside - Kliff waited in the general admission line at a Barstool Super Bowl Party for hours before telling me his name at the front desk upon entry like I didn’t know exactly who he was. Great guy. Wishing him the best in his next role.

Defensive Coordinator: Cap’n Crunch

Dude has been doing this for a long time. You have to trust a mustache like that with your defense.

Born Horatio P. Crunch in a coastal town in Massachusetts, Cap’n Crunch developed a fascination with the sea from a young age. Upon turning 18, he enlisted in the Navy, where his exceptional leadership and courage earned him the nickname “Cap’n Crunch” among his comrades. Throughout his naval career, Crunch navigated treacherous waters and rose through the ranks, showcasing unwavering determination and strategic acumen.

After a distinguished naval career, Crunch turned to his first love - football. Inspired by the parallels between military discipline and sportsmanship, he got into coaching. First as an assistant at Mass Maritime, his emphasis on discipline, resilience, and teamwork set him apart.

Crunch has maintained a relatively private personal life, it is known that he enjoys pursuits in his spare time that reflect his adventurous spirit and love for the outdoors. An avid sailor, he often sets sail on his own vessel, finding solace and inspiration amidst the vast expanse of the ocean. He’s passionate about maritime history and can often be found exploring maritime museums and historical sites in his free time.

Despite his busy schedule, Cap’n Crunch remains committed to giving back to his community. He frequently volunteers his time to mentorship programs for at-risk youth, sharing his experiences and insights to inspire the next generation of leaders. His philanthropic endeavors extend beyond the football field, as he is actively involved in various charitable organizations dedicated to supporting veterans and their families.

Crunch now finds himself heading up our defense after a long career bouncing between some of the most successful teams of all time. His legacy extends beyond the football field, inspiring generations of athletes to embody the values of integrity, honor, and perseverance. His journey from naval veteran to DC serves as a testament to the indomitable human spirit and the transformative power of leadership.

Lights: Sunny the Raisin Bran Sun

He kinda just provides light and rocks cool shades. Helpful for night games.

Fine. I'll Take On The Challenge.