My world, that is.

There’s an old saying - something like “the journey is the destination”.

Frankly I couldn’t agree less. I’ve arrived at a new destination in life and the journey that had been meandering and senseless come to a merciful end.

I have a newfound appreciation. It’s not every day you stumble upon something life changing - it could be a recent tragedy, and epiphany, maybe an idea or a product, but the effects are undoubtedly profound.

I wasn’t setting out to change my life that day. But the change found me. Let me explain.

I’m talking about the day I allowed banana cream pudding into my life for the first time. I’ve never been much of a sweets guy. Savory and salty is my preferred catalyst for declining hematologic health. Yet, my existence has never been the same.
The journey I mentioned had come to an end without me even knowing it began. It started in 1994 and 28 years later I’d found myself at the top of the mountain - the pinnacle. Peak contentment. Nirvana.

My confectionary evolution went something like this:

0-1ish year old: Breast Milk

Like a majority of my peers, I’d imagine breast milk laid the foundation for a life well spent and a palate well traveled. And not only does it represent our collective favorite dessert in those first moments of life, it reigns as the favorite breakfast, lunch, AND dinner for literally everyone on the planet (formula folks, please disregard). I can’t quite speak to the taste, as it’s been a few decades, but I can’t argue with something so universally beloved. Also, I think if you put breast milk on cuts or scars or scratches on your drivers side door it somehow heals them? Like nature’s turtle wax.

1ish-4: Not sure

I would call my parents to ask them about this time frame but they’re both dead. Miss you, Mom and Dad. So no matter how much I strain I simply can’t remember what occupied my sweet tooth in these formative years. Maybe it was my grandma’s banana bread. Prescient. She had a way about making the top of the loaf sticky and supple. Tender and sweet. You didn’t even need butter.

Soft-serve vanilla ice cream with the blue goo drizzle is probably a safe bet, too, but I won’t add either to the official list. I’m a man of integrity after all, and nothing but confirmed favorites belong here.

5-6: Snackwell’s Devils Food Cookie Cakes

These things. A dessert so ahead of its time I’m not sure it gets anywhere near enough love. Here’s the thing - it’s both a cookie and a cake. Dipped in this dutch chocolate shell that had a consistency somewhere between an Oreo and a Devil Dog (shouts to them too, however, they did not make the list).

Quick refresher on dutch chocolate from someone who definitely knew what it was before writing this and just wants to make sure you do too in the context and comprehension of this column:

“Dutch chocolate is made from cocoa that has been treated with alkali during the production process to help neutralize its natural acidity. This darkens the cocoa and gives it a milder flavor” Nice.

This was the dessert that debuted in my lunchbox in kindergarten and will forever hold a special place in my heart as the first one I can truly remember with certainty.

7: Grandma’s banana bread

Nevermind. That stuff definitely took the cake for a while.

No joke if you follow that link on the image it takes you to an eBay auction where the BOX is selling for $63.

8-9: Zebra Cakes (and assorted one-offs)

Another popular lunch box item comes off the board here. Zebra Cakes had that cream filled void situated between two slices of cake that you don’t normally see at that age. Remember when they had two per pack? Given the immediate pre-diabetic spike in glucose levels after a few of these I can only imagine the FDA sprinted to Little Debbie HQ during the first Bush Administration begging them to stop killing children and switch to individually wrapped treats.

Remember the Christmas Tree versions? Brilliant marketing tactic.

10-10.5 (Summer): Those Ice Cream Truck Eclair Pops
The ice cream man aesthetic has been run into the ground in modern pop culture but you know what? The ice cream man has no idea. He or she, blissfully unaware of their menu being appropriated in Supreme designs and IG backgrounds, roams the streets like a vagabond through summer’s heat. I think that’s a Springsteen line.

Speaking of, do you think the ice cream man knew what an impact he had on our curious brains? The sound of his white murder van grew louder as it approached in earnest and then, a few dollars later, slipped away with its once-gleeful tune transformed into a dystopian rendition that belonged in a mediocre A24 film. I needed to know why it happened. Why after he drove away, it sounded so sad. Turns out that’s called the Doppler Effect and it plays a key role in understanding the movements of stars and galaxies. Here’s renowned astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson to explain.

My romance with eclair pops was only a few months in duration. Like any summer fling, it burned twice as bright and half as long. Legend has it I’d still scarf one of these down if the ICM (Ice Cream Man) dared to venture this side of the tracks.

11-12: Seasonal Pillsbury Cookie Dough

As summer came to a close, I needed something to fill that emotional and physical space left by frozen eclair treats. That’s where I gained an appreciation for an old favorite. Pillsbury dough right out of the can adorned with whimsical clip art.

As far as I know, Betty Crocker, Little Debbie and The Pillsbury Doughboy have been gunning for processed dessert supremacy for decades. And boy are we the beneficiaries of that competition.

They picked up on the fact that us mortals would continue to buy things we liked if there was some new twist on them. A pumpkin here, a snowman there. Combine that with the hyper-commercialization of holidays and you have all the ingredients for an addiction.

By the way - the knock on eating these right out of the package was always something about salmonella. Did ANYONE ever get salmonella from cookie dough in your orbit? Leave a reply in the comments.

13-14: Cookie Ice Cream Sandwiches

Back to the ice cream truck. Or really just anywhere they had these. Sometimes a restaurant would get in touch with our nostalgic side with an elevated version of the chocolate chip cookie sandwich and it’d rock my world for a night. M&Ms cookies are equally acceptable vehicles.

Much like french fries before the advent of the air fryer, homemade cookie sandwiches are good in theory and fail to live up to expectations in practice. Leave these to the professionals.

15-16: Snickerdoodles

Pretty good little snickerdoodle kick there for a second. Affectionately referred to as “snick doods” in my house by only me. Gun to my head, still my favorite cookie.

17-21: Ice Cream Cake

This was the closest thing I’ve had to what I recently experienced. Ice cream cake rightfully topped the rankings for the longest period of time in my life. The most complete dessert outside of banana pudding on this list.

I still get ice cream cake every now and then for a birthday. The frozen icing, divine, the juxtaposition of the chocolate and vanilla, exquisite, and most importantly the chocolate crunchies, superb.

Seriously, if Carvel had the foresight to make a pint sized cake with chocolate on the bottom, BIG layer of crunchies in the middle, vanilla next and perhaps an icing top they’re GOLDEN. I will pay salaries myself. And if that actually happens please credit a take six years in the making:

They even teased me after. Don’t you dare, Carvel.

22: Tie: Margs | Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food

Do you know how much sugar is in a margarita? You don’t want to. Enough to qualify for this list. And at 22 I absolutely did not care. They were my panic order of choice and as a current resident of Austin, TX, very much remain in the rotation. Skinny, rocks, no salt.

I discovered real margs was at a time where I had finally had more than 9 dollars in my bank account. I drove for Uber for a bit in Boston while waiting to start a job. Greatest thing I’ve ever done. Even better when you completely don’t understand the concept of deferred taxes for 1099 contracted employees so I was sitting on a few hundred dollars a week that Uncle Sam wasn’t gonna touch until next year in return for “working” about 14 hours total between Monday to Thursday.

Instead of buying weed and gambling on horses (which I did too) I bought a LOT of Phish Food. Which makes more sense when I write that sentence out. Anyway, the best B&Js flavor by a mile.

23-24: Still Ben & Jerry’s

No change here. Slowed down on the margs a bit. Got really into bourbon, as any 23 year old male tends to do.

25-27: Tie: Red Velvet Cake and Ice Cream Cake

A few years adrift, I came back home for my 25th birthday and my parents had thrown together a little party complete with a Carvel ice cream cake.

It was like seeing an old friend for the first time in a minute. You exchange pleasantries, dig into how work is going, how the family is, remember-whens, etc and then after a few domestics you dig a little deeper. You connect again like no time had passed at all and that’s what happens when you get a bite full of chocolate crunchies, folks.

I say this is a tie because it’s coincidentally the second time I had red velvet cake at a wedding. The first was my Uncle’s in 2004 when I’m sure I wasn’t a fan because it was RED. That kept my naive and childish palate at bay for a few years.

The second time, I dove in curious but determined. And turns out that was a great decision given that it’s basically just devils food cake with red food coloring. Throw some cream cheese frosting on top and you’re having yourself a night.

28+: Banana Cream Pudding

Despite their efforts, none of these experiences compare to what happened the first time I brought banana pudding to my lips. It was at 15 Church in Saratoga Springs, NY, a town known for its southern cuisine obviously.

After a delightfully extended tour of their raw bar, I mentioned to our waiter that we’d love to take a look at a dessert menu. Tiramisu, I figured. Maybe a lava cake to split if I was feeling naughty. “May I suggest our banana cream pudding, sir. We delivered it to Martha Stewart in jail.”

Sure, why not.

It came in a mason jar, as any sweet southern dish should. Layers of pudding, banana creme, and vanilla wafers topped with some sort of cinnamon-bourbon situation were enough to elicit an audible “oh my fucking God” in front of my mother.

I knew at that moment things were different. The journey that I talked about earlier had come to an end. There would never be another dessert that created the same feeling. I’ll chase that high forever.

Honorable mentions:

Pumpkin Muffins from Wollaston’s on the campus of Northeastern University
Dirty chai lattes. It’s Christmas in a cup
Cosmic brownies
Oatmeal creme pies
The OG ice cream sandwiches where you take the perforated cookie part off first
NY cheesecake
Disaronno chilled & neat

A Journey To The Center Of The World